Hella Triggered: Insecure Season 2 Got Me All in My Feelings

So let me start off by saying I'm so grateful for Issa Rae bringing this black realness to our television screens on Sunday nights. It's about time! Black women have been deprived of quality television shows that reflect our experiences for long enough!  It's refreshing to turn on my TV and watch characters I can relate to, connect with, and who also look like me and my peoples. The writing is also ah-mah-zing. But my God, this season, the writing is far too real (and hilarious) for my frail heart. Every episode of this season has left me in my head or in my feelings--sometimes both. 

After watching the first episode of the season, I couldn't even keep my TV on for the credits to roll. I immediately turned it off, flung my remote across the room, and went straight to sleep, because I was so enraged at what Lawrence did. Yes, the anger was  that real. And yes, I know that sounds irrational, because it is...but that's what good television is capable of doing to you.  At first I thought the show was triggering because I use to watch it religiously with my ex bae... but naaah that ain't it. The show's creators and writers are doing a stellar job at making art imitate life--real life. Real struggles. My struggles! My friends' struggles, and my friends' friends' struggles. It's beautiful but hella stressful to watch at times.

I can relate to so many aspects of the show and the characters. From Issa trying to get her groove back after a breakup that may or may not have been her fault (I'm kinda sorta #TeamIssa). To her stalking her ex's new fling on social media, and her backsliding and entertaining an old flame and random dudes she knows she has zero intentions really being with. Watching her trying to build up her man roster brought me back to moments in my life where I was in that same space of not wanting to catch feelings, and only concerned with building up a rotation of men for the different purposes I wanted them to serve. Her situation is triggering for me now as I'm currently having the internal battle to not revert to old Ashlee ways , and instead patiently wait for what I really want--one of those antiquated things called an official, monogamous relationship. 

Which brings me to Molly. Bruh, this season I am Molly and she is me. Season one I. was. not. feeling. her.... because low-key...ok, maybe high-key, Molly has some of the issues I know I have, but don't want to acknowledge that I have, and she forced me to acknowledge that I do have some ways about me that I think are valid, but not all that pleasant (I get brownie points for being self-aware). I resented her for playing Mr. Enterprise the way she did. But I also felt for her because I know what it's like to be a woman with ambition, who works tirelessly to achieve the lifestyle she desires, and who feels like she shouldn't have to settle for a man who doesn't fit the mold of what she's looking for. I was all up in my bed like,  "Molly it aint all about degrees, pedigree, and looking good on paper!" But when I really sat and thought about why I disliked her so much in the first season, I did all this unpacking of her character only to come to the realization that I'm the same way. I can be a bit of bougie snob when it comes to dating  ( I low-key feel like it's my right to be that way...but that's a blog post for another day).  After seeing my reflection in Molly's character, I decided I'd try harder to like her, and  this season has made it easy for me to do that. That girl is trying! And I know the struggle that kind of  effort entails, so I feel for her.  I see her trying to hold on to her optimism about love. I see her trying to be open to giving a man a chance even if she's not really feeling him right out the gate. And I see myself, because this is what life is like as a black woman trying to date while also trying to climb the socio-economic ladder. And this past episode, where she came to the devastating realization that the one relationship she thought was perfect (her parents' marriage) actually had its own tragic flaw(s), I felt the anguish she was feeling in that moment. I know exactly what it feels like to have that one thing that keeps you believing in the possibility of true love, that keeps you believing that it's actually attainable for you, and then have it ruined. It's one of the worst feelings I've experienced to-date.

Now Tasha on the other hand...I need a whole blog post just to dissect her. But that family BBQ scene with Tasha and Lawrence was like a shooting range, forget a trigger! Tasha nearly made me spill a drink on my freshly washed white sheets when she read Lawrence to filth for his trifling ways. When she opened her mouth and fixed her lips and said, "You're worse than a f*%# n***a, you're a f*%# n***a who thinks he's a good guy." I actually shouted like I was in a church service. And then I had to fight the urge to text my ex and say, "I hope you found someone else's HBO password to use  so you could watch Insecure tonight, because they were describing youuuuu." But I didn't, because... Jesus. I had the phone in my hand and all, but thank God for His convicting power.  

Insecure is too real for me this season. It's making me look for a therapist, it's making me pray more, write more, and have profound conversations with my friends and co-workers. It's all just too much, but I can't get enough of it. So I continue to watch, and I continue to be triggered. Thank you Issa. I needed this. We needed this.

Ashlee Wisdom