Wanting God's Will, Wanting My Comfort
I've been here before. A few times actually. The place where i'm frustrated with the results of my seemingly good decisions that didn't quite fare as well as I expected or hoped. The place where I throw my hands up and I tell God, "you know what, here you go. I'm over trying to figure out [insert aspect of my life with which i'm not content]." But this time...this time it feels particularly different. I am actually a bit terrified about my decision to relinquish my will for God's will. It doesn't just feel like me acquiescing. I genuinely want what God has in mind for me, but to be completely honest, I am scared as hell about it. And not just because of the uncertainty of it, but because I can just feel that what God has in mind for me is much more than I'm really prepared to take on or embrace. I've been comfortable in this space of knowing I have all this potential, but i'm really afraid of what life looks like on the other side of potential-- the actualization of it. That may not make sense to many people, but there's something comforting and safe, and encouraging about others seeing great potential in you. But with that comes the gripping fear of never living up to the expectations God, and others have of you.
I guess the uncertainty aspect of God's will plays a part in my fear, but lately i've been more consumed by thoughts of what God's perfect will for my life will require of me. What will that look like? What are the things that will have to change? What are the things i'll have to surrender? What are the things i'll have to learn to accommodate? These are the questions I wrestle with day to day. I'm tired of just scratching the surface. I am tired of being on the cusp of greatness, but I am terrified of what that greatness will mean and require of me.
Recently, I've been doing this ultra Christian thing where I watch sermons to fall asleep (laugh all you want, but it helps a sister get a good night's rest). Anyways, I watched one of Toure Robert's sermons and he said something that immediately convicted me. He said, " Most people won't go through the painful process of getting what they prayed for...Laying hold of what God promised you takes a special type of person." And y'all, he aint ever lie. It's one thing to pray and ask God for His will to be done in your life, but it's a whole other thing to actually do what God requires of you for His will to unfold.
The thing is, I'm not only afraid of the process; I am also afraid of the outcome or result. Sometimes I struggle with feelings of insecurity. Sometimes I feel like I no longer deserve or am worthy of what God had in store for me when He created me. If I can keep it really real with you all, sometimes I feel like i'd be a fraud if I were to become the woman God called me to be. I know that sounds all types of stupid and crazy, but it's really how I feel. I must confess, I feel comfortable in this space of falling short of who God called me to be, because if I stay here...If I stay right here, I can keep imagining, and enjoying the idea of who I can be, instead of getting past the discomfort of becoming that woman.
I wish this post had an uplifting conclusion or happy ending so to speak, but it doesn't. I don't have any inspiring words, just real ones. I want God's perfect will for my life, and I am scared because I know it will require more of me than I am naturally willing to put forth. I am afraid of the discomfort, the isolation, and sacrifices I know it will require, but I want God's will for my life right now, more than I've ever wanted it before. Because if I'm not doing what I was created to do, if i'm not being the woman God created me to be, then what the hell am I doing? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.